Can I just be transparent for a moment? Having an anxiety disorder just plain stinks! Even with the help of therapy and medication – I still have OCD and I still suffer from anxiety. It hasn’t gone away, and I am almost certain it never will. And I’ve come to terms with that, I understand and accept it. But it doesn’t make it any easier when the anxiety flares up again.
I have almost come to the year anniversary of when my anxiety was at its absolute worst. The moment when I finally sought therapy and received the diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The sheer knowledge of the anniversary has stirred frustration and anxiety in my heart. I remember the days leading up to the fall and recall how “normal” I felt. I know normal is a relative term and the truth is, I believe I’ve suffered from OCD for much of my life and just didn’t realize it. But my life was moving along pretty smoothly and then everything just fell apart.
Sometimes I want to scream at myself for allowing it to happen. Did I have a choice? Could I have changed the course? So many questions run through my mind. And then I realize that, 1. This questioning, in itself, could lead me down a spiraling new path of OCD thinking and 2. The purpose of ERP Therapy is to “accept the uncertainty”. So whether I could have changed it or not is irrelevant – I cannot go back and change things now, and who knows if I could have anyway.
Just like in life – days ebb and flow. We have bad days mixed in with the good days. For a while my OCD was at bay, relatively quiet and manageable. I suppose I should expect times when that isn’t always the case. Currently my OCD and anxiety are just a little more apparent. I still have my therapist available, I still have the tools of ERP, I still have my family and friends sticking by me. I will just continue to push through and hopefully this harder time will pass.
Sorry for the depressing post. But I want to be as honest as possible when it comes to my disorder. Hopefully I can help someone else in their struggle with mental health.